If you had asked me Friday morning how my week was going, I would've said something like "terrible" or "regrettable". This week has been very educational, but I never would've thought that until the lessons had all completely lined up and my mind was opened and ready to accept them.

All sorts of stuff happened. Actually the week started off to be just another week. But as it went by, things started to go bad. Especially on Thursday, which marked one of the most miserable days I ever had. This was the day when I got angry at the girl I liked.

In my mind, I was justified to be angry. The details of why are not even important. But now that I look back, I was terribly wrong. First of all, I jumped to conclusions. I didn't even know what was really going on, but I let myself be deceived. Second, I was completely lost to my emotions. I didn't want to be angry, but it kept happening anyway. This probably confused her, which was a bit of a shock to me, but I was too consumed in my own hurt pride that I didn't bother with that.

Friday was the breaking point. I felt like I was losing the battle, for almost the entirety of the day. It started off with me trying to apologize for my behavior, but it somehow got out of hand and ended up with me being even angrier than the day before. Why? I don't even know. The poor girl did nothing wrong. Even to now I don't understand what made me angry that day, but all I can think of is that it was a convention of all things that make me angry, and this just happened to be my avenue through which I release.

But in the end, it turned out well. Something happened, when friends gave me the words I needed to hear the most. All of a sudden my paradigm shifted. All of a sudden my anger subsided. It was replaced by an overwhelming sense of... something. I don't know how to describe it, or if there is a name for it. All I know is that I did something wrong. Maybe "stupidity" will suffice for now, for lack of better vocabulary. But even with that, for the first time all week, I felt like everything was going to be all right. I don't even know why.

I mustered what was left of my nerve that day, pulled her aside and properly apologized. We left each other to the weekend on a happier note. And I continued to spend the day pondering on my anger and how I need to curb that. I dealt with that with a [lonely] meal at an Italian restaurant.

This girl is very special to me, and hurting her is the last thing on my mind. But until yesterday, I found that I still valued myself over her. I believe God let me go through that, to teach me that love's opposite is not hate, but selfishness (and pride, which is very related). I need to let go of myself and stop taking everything so personally if I plan to succeed in building friendships and other relationships with people. Otherwise I'll never stop being alone. I figure that's why my life has always been lonely, and I always felt like everybody was against me: because I thought of myself too much.

All in all, this week was more educational than most. I'm just now learning stuff that some people would've learned in high school or college; neither of which did I give time wisely to. I learned about myself, about friendships and relationships, about women, life and emotions. I learned stuff I never even thought I'd have to learn, and brought stuff out that I didn't even know I was keeping a secret, such as my anger and my solitude. I learned that God really does allow some bad things to happen to us, in order to strengthen us.

At the time when it was happening at its worst, I couldn't understand what I could possibly learn from that situation. That whole time I was ranting and complaining, and adamantly refusing to believe that anything could be learned from such incorrigible circumstances. The truth is, the lessons had already been lined up beyond my understanding. And as soon as I opened my mind they all just made sense all of a sudden. I'm glad I went through it, though I wish there were an easier way for me to learn those lessons. Then again, knowing how stubborn I am, I probably would not have learned anything in any other way.

This is why I write this entry. May I never forget what I have learned this week, and may I apply the lessons as often as needed.

And if anybody is at all reading this (though unlikely), I hope you might learn from this as well.