Listening to: Switchfoot - Learning to Breathe
"I never, never thought that I would fall like that
Never knew I could hurt as bad..."
One thing I noticed is that right after retreat camps, you feel so on fire for the LORD. For the next few days (or sometimes even just one day, or maybe even several weeks), right after the camp, it's like you can't do anything wrong. But sooner or later the fire cools down a bit. And now the hardships (or impossibility) of Christian life begins.
During a retreat camp, we make promises or commitments. Like, we'll give up being rebellious, or lying, or something else. Whatever was our major problem. Satan works in a terribly annoying way, though. Because your defenses are still strong, as you work hard in yourself to fight your problem, instead of attacking that, he'll attack something else that you don't expect. Usually it's little things. Like, if you used to be a compulsive liar, he'll try to make you gluttonous or something. Soon you'll end up with an eating disorder. Then when your defenses are down, you might end up being in denial, then your lying habits might come back.
My personal experience with this was with internet pornography. I wasn't really much into hardcore pornography, but more of softcore anime pornography (AKA "hentai"/'H'/"ecchi"). It's a shameful thing to admit, but by God's grace, I can move past this problem. After the camp last year, I went for weeks without looking at H. I thought I was done with it completely. But I was wrong.
In the next several weeks from then on, I let my guard down on other issues. I became rebellious and disobedient to my parents, and not even in a major way, but in a way that's noticeable. I felt it in myself that whenever I would "obey", I would do so bitterly. I don't think my mom noticed always, but I always did. I also started having many other little problems. And soon, out of my frustration, I ended up being back to my old ways of looking at H.
I frequently asked God for forgiveness of this, and made promises to change my ways. But I always failed to change. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and no matter what I did, the problem kept showing its ugly face. No matter how hard I tried, I always felt compelled to look at H. I couldn't even understand it. I often felt disgusted by looking at it, and it wasn't even fun anymore -- but I kept doing it anyway. I was a prisoner, and it hurt to know this.
"For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" (ROMANS 7:19-24)
At the retreat camp this year, I had to surrender a lot to Christ. I had to surrender everything to Christ. One of the things I surrendered was my computer, including all the things that cause me to stumble on the computer. I had to give up imageboards, because even though I wasn't really looking for H stuff, imageboards kept feeding them to me. I'm also working to cut down on my computer time, because as it was, the computer was also controlling my life. Since around the year 2000, I've been living nocturnally, that is, sleeping in the mornings (I call sleeping at 6 AM "sleeping early", because I usually slept at 8 AM). And all that because I wanted to use the computer.
I'm trying to break free of that control. And by God's grace it seems to be working. My computer belongs to God, and so does my time. My Lord can do with them as he sees fit, and as for me, I will strive to ensure that I don't use them for doing evil.
"But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." (REVELATIONS 21:8)
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (ROMANS 5:8)
I strive for this change to glorify God. It's the least I can do for all He's done for me.
The solution, then, would be to always make sure that you cover your bases daily. That is, do your best to have no "weak spots" for Satan to attack. This can be achieved by praying daily (several times a day), purposely asking for protection and guidance.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (MATTHEW 16:24)
Remember that we as humans have no power by ourselves, but our God who works in us has all the power, and we claim His victory.
"I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." (LUKE 10:19)
We may stumble sometimes, even after all that, but remember:
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit." (ROMANS 8:1-4)
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." (EPHESIANS 2:8-9)
"... know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified." (GALATIANS 2:16)
